Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
