my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
