my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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