apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
