hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
