that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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