Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
