there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
