All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
