The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
