did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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