yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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