Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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