Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
