oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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