just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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