I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
