I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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