i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
