Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
