even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
