im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
