I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
