I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
