So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
