that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
