stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
