Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
a search helicopter?!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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