I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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