Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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