I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
