No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
