Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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