U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
