Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
