Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
