Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
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