I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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