Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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