well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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