Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
