I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I am one with the molecules
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
