I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
