Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
