fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
