I look better un-naked...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
