I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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