3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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