Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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