We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I love having hate sex.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
